One day at a time

'Tis the season of reflection and resolution.  The beginning of a new year is flavored with anticipation and hopefulness.  As well it should be.

Though it's marked by the change of a number, by a new calendar on the wall, by celebrations of many kinds (and styles and decibels), we routinely acknowledge that January 1 somehow offers a reset for attitudes, expectations, intentions, and more.  It is the Grand Reset.  And that's a good thing.  January 1 gives us hope that we have yet opportunity to change, to make improvements, to make restitution.  If we have somehow failed to make giant steps in the "right" direction by January 2, some of us have a tendency to think we have failed completely.  And that gives us an excuse to give up, to make more excuses about our conditions or situations or behaviors.

But change is hard.  Change takes time.  And as many self-help gurus tell us, we often try to change too much at one time.

I don't know if there is one thing more than any other that is important for successful change.  Attitude?  Perseverance?  Discipline?  Optimism?  I think we can learn a lot from failure including how to handle failure.

My list hasn't much changed since the clocked ticked to just past midnight on January 1.  There is nothing earth-shattering I want to accomplish in 2012 that's much different from what I wanted to do in 2011.  But having tried and failed a few times in 2011, I have a much better idea of what I really want to change and I'm getting a much clearer idea of how to go about those changes.

So here's to you and yours: that your 2012 is marked by incremental success, by learning through doing and perhaps a few failed attempts, by joy in your successes, and by determination that you will keep trying to grow. . .one day at a time.

"I have a big life"

A colleague of mine said this a couple of weeks ago as she was expressing a bit of frustration about the demands of her job.  I've thought about this for a while for several reasons, but mostly for these three.

First, I thought it was a bold statement.  "I have a big life."  That says something.  But it was particularly poignant after a visit with my folks whose lives seemed small to me.  Small because they go out so little, because they see so few people.  So then I started thinking about the size of my own life and realized how difficult it is to measure one's life.

Second, I recognized the tension of trying to maintain any semblance of a work-life balance.  Now I'm among the worst when it comes to finding balance for my life and my work.  I'm one of those who lets my work seep into every crevice of my life and, therefore, become my life.  It takes great acts of discipline to step away and do more than wish I could do more.

I am not the most disciplined person.

Finally, going back to the observations of my reason, realizing that one's life is hard to measure.  Parts of my life might seem quite small, but I'm not sure how one measures anyone else's life never mind one's own.  As I was thinking this morning of how blessed I am, I realized how many friends and acquaintances I have; I realized, again, how much I've been able to see and do; I realized, again, how many people genuinely care about me.  Quite honestly, the latter often puzzles me but I'm grateful for their caring, for their love.

Sure, there are plenty of things I still want to see and do, but I've seen and done more than many others at my stage of life.  Just as I want to lose weight and get in shape, I want to manage my work-life balance better--and yes, it occurs to me that if I managed that balance better I'd have more time to get in shape and, therefore, assist in losing weight.  The situation is not lost on me.

By others' standards, I might not have a very big life.  But by my own measure and reflection, by my own hopes for the future, I'd say I have a more than satisfactory life, regardless of its size.

As you celebrate the holidays of 2011 and begin to think about your resolutions for 2012, reflect not on the size of your life, but its quality.

Cultural waves: men's temptation, women's dress

Middle school principal sends suggestive texts to a 22yo intern.  She says "Stop."  He says "You're being a tease" and sends more texts and a picture of his penis.  She says "Stop or I'll call the police."  He doesn't stop right away.  Texts her over a period of several months.  Two years ago.  Just recently the story hit the news.  Middle school principal has resigned.  Fallout continues.

Israel, where gender equality has existed, even in the military, for years.  There seems to be a growing influence of the ultra-orthodox who are challenging the women behave and dress.  One of the most telling statements in the article is this:

Those traditional values typically include restrictions on television and the Internet, modest dress codes and segregation of the sexes, which haredi leaders say is needed to protect women from sexual exploitation and men from temptation.

Some time ago a group of Christian executives gathered to discuss a particular proposal.  They were reluctant to consider it because the woman who brought it forward was wearing a top that showed a bit more decolletage than the men were comfortable with, though the women present seemed to think it was reasonably modest.

In the 21st century, though we know sexism remains a problem, most American women may tend to associate such thinking with Muslim conservatism because of the burqa, a form of covering up we tend not to understand.

This isn't a new story, and the custom of modest dress (with its own wide range of definitions) is not limited to the ultra-orthodox Jews nor the more conservative Muslims.

For several reasons, I'm going to set aside my simmering outrage that women have to dress more modestly so men won't be tempted, which is to suggest, in my mind, that those big, strong, brave men aren't able to manage or control their temptations.  Samson and Delilah?  Cleopatra and Mark Anthony?  Goodness knows women have been using their "feminine wiles" since women realized they had such wiles to use.  And let's not complicate things by suggesting the serpent in the Garden of Eden was male and the first temptation was that by a man of a woman.  Let's not suggest that one of the reasons women have used their looks and decolletage is because of the way some men hold power and because of the way some men demand a certain kind of obeisance because of the way those men understand power.

While I find the "boys will be boys" argument insufferable, sexist, and absurd, I also understand that our world is complicated.  When I was still teaching, I was often alarmed by the lack of fabric that constituted some of female students' clothing.  I confess that on first sighting that some of those skimpy outfits were distracting to me because I wondered what that young woman was trying to convey about herself.  While I appreciate wanting to reduce the cloth-to-skin ratio when it's hot and humid, there are limits.  Should be limits?  That's why businesses and some schools have dress codes.

There really isn't an easy answer.  I understand women wanting to look sexy; and I appreciate that men appreciate women looking sexy.  Knowing what's appropriate for which circumstances shouldn't be that hard and yet we seem to struggle with that.  Still.  Again.

I'd love to oversimplify and suggest that men should be responsible for managing their own temptation, but I know it's not that simple.  I know that, whether innocently or unscrupulously, women dress provocatively to be provocative.  What they don't always anticipate is how far that provocation might go.  Sure, girls just wanna have fun, but it's really stupid to test the limits.  The problem seems to be knowing the limits and realizing that not all of us have the same limits.

The middle school principal is a good example.  The 22yo intern didn't dress provocatively.  She just happened to be young and, apparently, incredibly erotically attractive to this middle school principal.  He chose to yield to his temptations and, even more stupidly, chose to think "No" meant "Tell me more, baby."  Even so, expecting women to conform to a particular dress code for a minority (I hope) of men just doesn't seem to be the best solution.

I also hope that we can all tamp down the simmering outrage we may feel because of our own perspectives and try to have reasonable conversations, respecting divergent opinions and perspective and trying not to demand that everyone else conform to our way of thinking.  Sigh.  Yes, can't we all just get along?